If you’re an overpaid celebrity you’re probably thinking ‘…of champagne, right?’ Everybody else is likely wondering if I’m going mad. What next? Washing your face as an alternative to drinking?
But seriously – this is one of the first and most important things I learnt when I stopped drinking.
Back in the day, I used to work two consecutive 11-hour days, and I needed to get relaxed quickly so I could get a good night’s sleep between them. I developed a special method for achieving this. Specifically, it was the pints-of-Timothy-Taylor’s-Landlord technique.
When I stopped drinking I immediately lost that. I’d cherished those moments spent drinking beer: the alcohol relaxed me, and I also got some quality me-time. But now I was faced with the following question: how you relax if you don’t drink?
That’s how I discovered the joy of bath, and started on the road to finding effective alternatives to drinking.
A lot of us have lost this relatively modern luxury, usually because we don’t have (or make) time for it. Instead we dutifully cover our bodies in salt and employ cats to lick them clean. Or we shower – I’ve heard some people do that, too.
From a male perspective, it certainly looks like women already have sound appreciation of the joy of bath, given the whole alchemical industry that supports it. I’ve seen women delight in gifting each other potent water-weapons, like petal-loaded bath bombs.
One female friend tells me that the petals stick to “bits that they shouldn’t stick to”, and advises that you should drain a bath-bomb through old tights.
“They don’t tell you that in Lush,” she says.
Relaxing music can also help you relax (hooray! It’s ‘bleeding obvious’ time!), although be wary as classical conditioning might make you feel wrinkly-skinned every time Nick Drake plays.
Lighting is important, too, which is why, in the absence of a dimmer switch, people use candles. Well, okay, women use candles – many men see this as too feminine. And even if they did use them they’d be unlikely to admit to it.
“Why are these here Derek?”
“Uh… there was a power cut.”
“Just as well you had some jasmine-scented tea lights then.”
I suppose you could always compensate by taking a bath in dirty water and throwing some gravel and engine parts in. Whatever floats your duck.
Anway, what I’m saying is that you need a bath. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.
Disclaimer: Remember that electricity is dangerous… water is dangerous… water and electricity together are dangerous… candles are dangerous. My God! The world’s dangerous! Run, run! Actually, no – walk, you might trip! Basically, don’t blame me if you melt your flooded house down whilst drowning in a fit of electrical spasms, clutching a pair of wrecked tights.